Commercial Break: Toys For The Kids
WARNING: SPOILERS for Batman v Superman: Damn of Justice …also, a good deal of angry snark.
New from Warner Bros merchandise! Re-molded from unsold Green Lantern stock – it’s the toy range to accompany the hot new film:
Gotham Gun Man V Inscrutable Alien Narcissist: Dawn of Jaundice
Relive all the Sturm und Drang fun of your favourite two asinine Jesus metaphors as they glare at each other and commit literally countless acts of murder!
CHOOSE YOUR MOPEY SOCIOPATH!
Play as your favourite dour, overpowered lunatic! Massacre your enemies! Savage bystanders! Pretend that nightshift workers and late night traffic don’t exist as you embark upon a senseless, easily-avoided rampage of savagery!
IMAGE: Gunman talking to himself, totally not embarrassed…
PLAY AS THE GOTHAM GUNMAN!
Become the thing you despise as you slip into hypocritical spiral of serial killing! Commit countless gun-related homicides while playing as a man haunted by the death of his parents at the barrel of a gun! Includes branding iron accessory! Practice mutilating your cowering victims so that they can be murdered later in prison!
Play the world’s greatest detective as a thug dudebro too stupid to know that he is being played for a fool by everyone that he meets!
Gunman Mobile comes with machinegun attachment and spatters of brain-matter on the bumper!
IMAGE: The ‘S’ stands for slaughter
OR PLAY AS INSCRUTIBLE ALIEN NARCISSIST!
Play the world’s most iconic inspirational hero recast as a petulant, omnipotent cry baby!
Get sidelined from your own sequel! Be responsible for an event a thousand times worse than 9/11! Turn a terrorist you could easily disarm into a wet paste! Continue your creepy obsession with your girlfriend and your mother at the expense of every other living creature on Earth! Stand idle with a constipated expression as an entire building filled with innocent people blows up around you! Generally be a dick to everyone! Die for arbitrary reasons! Scowl disdainfully at humanity as you leer over them like a demigod!
Pretend that your director doesn’t actively despise everything you represent!
IMAGE: Wasted in this film
PLAY AS LOIS LANE!
Be marginalised by a script that reduces you to a helpless damsel, a naked trophy in a bathtub, or an exposition dispenser!
…Actually kids, don’t do that. Because we didn’t bother to make any Lois Lane dolls. After all, we only made Wonder Woman a toy in a cross promotion with Barbie.
We don’t know what the hell we’re doing.
IMAGE: Remember this scene? No?!
PLAY AS LEX LUTHOR!
Whip yourself into a jittery, scene-chewing frenzy as a trust-fund, douche bag knock off of Heath Ledger’s Joker! Misunderstand poorly-applied Wikipedia quotes!
Comes with accessory jar of human pee!
AND DON’T FORGET TO BUY BOTH ‘MARTHA’ DOLLS
Otherwise one of your heroes will brutally murder the other one!
IMAGE: The faces of the ‘heroes’ that now haunt your nightmares
THESE TOYS ARE EDUCATIONAL!
Learn about Ayn Rand’s bogus philosophy of glorified narcissism! Help director Zack Snyder live out his adolescent Atlas Shrugged power fantasies as you turn heroes that have always been defined by their compassion and devotion to humanity into brutal, nihilistic, myopic assholes, whining about how no one appreciates how exceptional they are.
Like a real hero!
IMAGE: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
YOU BE THE FILMMAKER!
Use flashbacks and flash forwards and visions! Imbed a dream within a dream within a time travel premonition because you saw Inception once! Allow yourself to become a cynical shill for your parent company as you lazily cram several film’s worth of foreshadowing, and a blatant trailer reel for your upcoming products, into an already farcically incoherent plot!
Smash your toys together for an interminable hour, letting the migraine inducing cacophony of grinding plastic distract you from the realisation that the entire narrative could literally be resolved with a simple conversation!
Shoot Superman’s pal Jimmy Olsen in the f**king head! While you are feeling nauseous, be comforted by the thought that Zack Snyder thinks this is funny!
Try to convince yourself that Zack Snyder is not a joyless psychopath!
AND HEY, REMEMBER WONDER WOMAN?
Relive the only moment of light in this oppressive nightmare! You know, that moment where Wonder Woman kind of half-smiles? Try to hold on to that fleeting sensation of joy as this vapid nihilistic hate screed of a film turns everything you adore about these characters and the DC universe into a turgid, spiteful, wilfully stupid brown muck!
On sale wherever dreams go to die.