Archive for December, 2016

Normalise This! The Last Holiday Gift Catalogue Before the Apocalypse!

Posted in stupidity, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 8, 2016 by drayfish

trump-calendar-2017

Hey!

Do you like mouthing off on social media to compensate for your glaring personal inadequacies and failures – just like the President Elect?

Do you like declaring yourself awesome in public, while privately, the voices in your head insist that you are just a tasteless, talentless, ignorant, cowardly miracle of upward failure – just like the future leader of the free world?

Are you a disgruntled mutant Oompa Loompa with a fascism fetish and an inferiority complex about the size of your penis?  (…Maybe that one’s just specific to Donald Trump.)

Anyway…

Yuuuuuuuge news!

Now you can buy the ‘Big Fat Trump’ excuse-a-day motivational desk calendar for 2017!

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With 365 farcically un-ironic boasts, you too can cover up your every catastrophic blunder with the sweet numbing cocktail of arrogance and narcissism!

Let these pearls of wisdom show you the meaning of the term ‘Trumped-up’ as the future POTUS helps you brag your way to almost silencing the voices of self-loathing in your mind!

With classic Donald Trump ‘truth-bombs’ like:

The ONLY bad thing about winning the Presidency is that I did not have the time to go through a long but winning trial on Trump U.  Too bad!

I would LOVE to explain my super secret, totally not made up plan to stop ISIS but I have a responsibility to this half finished bucket of KFC!  Sad!

I LET Usain Bolt win Olympic gold medal in the 100m dash because as a reality television star, I have a responsibility to get the whole of the TV Guide crossword finished!

ONLY bad thing about having to update my IOS is that now I don’t have the time to prosecute Crooked Hillary for all those things I said she did. Too bad!

I decided – BY MYSELF – that Mexico won’t pay for my ASTONISHING chicken wire border fence!  Trump Foundation charity money can pay for more than bribes and legal bills!

Will NOT sue dozen women who accused me of sexual assault!  NOT because trial would reveal countless other crimes!  Need time to yell at cast of Hamilton on Twitter!  Sad!

I TOLD the school bully to push my head into that toilet in high school!   He didn’t want to!  I made him!

Show the world what a petty, weasely, delusional man-baby you are!

Every day of the year!

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Also available:

I’m The President and I Believe This Shit…!  A ‘funny’ coffee table book compilation of just some of the crazy conspiratorial bullshit Trump has lifted from the darkest corners of the web, white nationalist propaganda, and the headlines he half-reads on Breitbart.

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The Chinese invented global warming!  The election he himself won was rigged (but doesn’t need a recount)!  An ‘extremely credible source’ called Barack Obama’s birth certificate fake!   The state health director who saw the birth certificate was the only person who died in a plane crash!  General anti-vaxing nonsense!  SNL is part of a multi media conspiracy against him!  He has ‘one of the highest’ IQs!  He is a ‘successful’ business man!

Comes with free tin foil hat and totally convincing, completely realistic comb-over made with orangutan armpit hair!

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How about a Trump U sweatshirt?  Manufactured by exploiting cheap foreign labour and advertising an institution that actively preyed upon the desperate and poor, this ill-fitting apparel would be a lasting reminder of unadulterated human greed if it wasn’t so dangerously flammable!

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Maybe you want to celebrate Trump’s only successful money-making tactic – licensing out his name to other (actually successful) people’s enterprises.  Well why not try playing these thinly rebranded board games?

Risk: We’re All Gonna Die! edition.  Defend ‘real’ America from every kind of threat, both imagined and made up!  Use your super secret plan to defeat ISIS …and when you do, maybe send a copy of that plan to the White House.  So the President can check that it matches his plan.  Which he definitely has.

Trump Monopoly: Make America ‘great again’ (whatever that means in any given sentence) by cutting the tax rates for the top one percent.  Because that always works!  And while you’re there, collect $10 for hanging around the change rooms leering at the contestants in your beauty contest!

Trump Jenga: Don’t let your wall fall down or hordes of rapists and murderers will probably get through!

Trump Operation: Remove the patient’s funny bone and broken heart with tweezers, because that’s the only replacement for Obamacare!

Make racial profiling fun again when you ‘stop and frisk’ the Guess-Whos!

Trump Clue: Figure out who the Clintons had killed in the private server room with the lead pipe!

Putin Says: Do what you’re told for a belly rub and a Snausage!

‘Drain the swamp’ by seeing how many emoluments your Hungry Hippos can munch before the impeachment trial!

Trumpial Pursuit: shout the loudest and your ‘facts’ win!

Benghazi!!!

Or just enjoy a special Trump Madlib edition!

Insert random inflamatory words into the ‘news’ stories ‘people are talking about’, and you can make your own hysterical, KKK-baiting Alex Jones brand conspiracy theory nonsense to spew into the public discourse!

Make up your own black on white crime statistics!  Question the validity of the election you just won!  Demonise a quarter of the earth’s population by turning the Muslim faith into a vague bogeyman!  Make up fun words like Pizzagate!

Watch the media scramble to try and deal with your cynical willingness to turn the highest office in the nation, and one of the proudest traditions in human history, into a horrific, embarrassing nightmare that has already outstripped every grim satire of politics ever conceived!

Prove that Kubrick was really underselling it and go the full Dr Strangelove!

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Or, for the collectors, a Trump Action Figure.

Features include:

  • ‘Realistic’ detachable ‘hair’!
  • Genuine terracotta skin colour
  • Android phone loaded to angry Twitter rant
  • ‘Grabbing’ action
  • and Presidential recorded phrases like: ‘No puppet! You’re the puppet!’; ‘I moved on her like a bitch’; ‘Such a nasty woman’

WARNING: miniscule to-scale baby hands are an inhalation hazard.

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This holiday season celebrate the orange cancer eating away at democracy!

Buy now!

Before Trump shares his business skills with the US economy (on the seventh bankruptcy you get a free sandwich)!

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